Sitting with Your Feelings

A popular therapy/coaching phrase that you may hear is to “sit with your feelings”. If you are anything like me, I had a weird visual of sitting in an uncomfortable yoga pose and doing labored breathwork.

That may work for some, so does a walk, or a strenuous workout, or for myself, I work through my feelings, frustrations or triggers by writing and writing and writing. There are many times when I don’t sleep well because I’m up at three am, just thinking through each situation, each conversation and all of the results thus far. It can almost border on obsessive because I want to be fully aware, fully attuned to my emotions. Like the quote said, I want to “dominate them”. Nevertheless, none of that obsessive evaluation of the situations or conversations or writing will do me any good if I don’t focus on the FEELINGS that are DRIVING my decision making.

In the five components of Emotional Intelligence, Self-Awareness is the knowledge of one’s own thoughts, feelings and motivations. When we pair this with Self-Regulation, the ability to regulate emotions and actions in a variety of environments, you have successfully navigated what “sitting with your feelings” means. However, what does that really look like??

First and foremost - when an issue comes up with a friend, family, peer, etc - avoid the three D’s of unhealthy conversations - deny, dismiss, deflect! When you use your own self-awareness you can begin to look at YOUR personal red flags. I hate to be the one to say it - but NO ONE is right 100% of the time. If your “go to” method of defense, in a conflict, is to deny, dismiss or deflect - there’s a good chance you are missing out on some valuable personal growth and deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Once you have an open mind to truly hear what others are saying to you, it’s time to look at why you made the decision you did. Remember self-awareness is the knowledge of one’s own thoughts, feelings and motivations. Your goal is to get to the core feeling that is driving your choices, reactions, thoughts etc - to address that feeling and change the pattern.

Regardless of how you start doing the work (walk, write, workout, yoga etc) what you want to do is work backwards.

A small issue with a loved one, friend or peer has turned into a huge conflict and the relationship has hit a wall.

Are you angry? Yes

Why are you angry? I felt disrespected

Why is respect important to you? I feel valued when I am shown respect.

Are you feeling undervalued in another area of your life? Yes, a manager at work doesn’t appreciate all the extra work I’ve put in.

Could you be lashing out at your loved one, friend or peer because of the issues at work? (Crickets)

How do you rectify each situation?

First, apologize to said loved one, friend or peer for lashing out, be open and maybe a bit vulnerable while explaining the progression of your choices during the situation/conflict - this helps grow trust and healthy relationships (also a big step in Emotional Intelligence). Secondly, work towards communicating with the manager and expressing your need for appreciation and respect; and you might find that you have improved TWO relationships!

I can appreciate that this may feel like a very long and arduous process, and in some ways it can be, especially if the work is one-sided. However, the “return on investment” into your pursuit of healthy Emotional Intelligence can’t be measured!

If you need help working through emotions, feelings or overall emotional intelligence- please reach out! I’d love to help!

Or join me at 8am on Tuesday May 2nd, 2023 at Weber’s Restaurant as I discuss Effective Communication!

Joni Woods, ACC

Relationship and Communication Coach

Journey Coaching

734-436-6200

Journeylifecoaching.life

Joniwoods.com

“Creating the future You want!”