Rights and Responsibilities

“Please don’t do anything for me if I have to hear about it on a bad day” Unknown

To understand the significance of this quote - think about a time when someone said to you “after all I have done for you…….” and think about the feelings that come to the surface!

An easy trap to get into is believing relationships (regardless of the type) is based on a quid pro quo. I do for you, you do for me. You do for me, I will do for you.

When we approach relationships like that, we become disappointed when others do not “do for us” as we have done for them and it becomes this terrible cycle of broken promises and relationships.

I learned this the hard way after allowing a “friend” to be overly friendly. While I thought I had done a good job setting boundaries, no flirting, discussing friendship expectations, maintaining emotional and physical distance, etc, he eventually came calling to collect on all that he had “done” for me. It started out with an extravagant and inappropriate gift and a declaration of love. When I did not return the declaration of love but returned the extravagant gift, suddenly I was required to pay him back for all the ways he “showed” up for me and if I didn’t, he was going to make my life “miserable”. To be fair, the years of threats, phone calls, and stalking was and continues to be a thorn in my side, he did teach me one hell of a lesson. I will ALWAYS give with no expectation for return!

Last week I talked about our personal responsibility when rejecting someone, their wants, needs or ideas. The other side of the coin in rejection is our responsibility to not “make someone pay” for their choice to reject you!

Here’s the example:

You tell someone you love them

They don’t have the same feelings

Suddenly you no longer love them, and may go so far as to start lashing out in so many unhealthy ways.

They are not a bad person for rejecting you, your love was cheap.

“Hey, can you call me when you get a chance?” was the text when I was at the store returning some clothes. Ten minutes later, I had a quick client call.

The client had run into a conflict with one of their employees and tensions were running high. The client wanted me to listen to how they planned on handling the conflict and make sure that they were going to have the best conversation possible, not one fueled with anger. While they listed out a well reasoned response, it started out the way most arguments do - “after all I have done for you, you behaved this way….” if what YOU have done for me is meant to eventually GIVE you some sort of control over me, then please do not ever do anything for me.

This client is a wonderful, generous soul but even they got caught in the quid pro quo.

The quid pro quo is an easy trap to fall into, usually because our efforts towards a relationship have not been validated. (I talk about this in my recent podcast - click here to listen)

Do I think you need to stay completely engaged with the person who rejected you? Maybe. Depends on the situation. If you told your friend that you would always be their friend and they rejected your growing affections but still want you to be a friend - take some time to heal and then show up like a friend. Don’t let your friendship be cheap!

Don’t let your love, your friendship, your commitment, your leadership be cheap; full of broken promises and relationships.

So how does the relationship coach do it?

After the recent rejection of my love and friendship - I am full of heartbreak, frustrations and a river of tears. I need space. I am taking space. And while I may go out of my way to maintain that space for as long as possible, he will never have to worry about my love ever becoming cheap.

I value loyalty and effort above everything else and he will always have a loyal friend in me. I will never betray his confidence. I have certainly communicated my hurts and frustration to him and no one else needs to know. I see no purpose in lashing out with gossip. I am only a phone call away if he ever needs a friend because that is what I committed to be. I will always show up and put effort into building a friendship.

“There are a lot of reasons why I love him and one of those reasons is because he forces the conversation when I try to push him away. He brings me back to conversations I LONG to have but am too afraid to have, even though I know that I need too. He makes me feel heard, even if not in its entirety, it’s such a good foundation to start with.

Part of the difficulty in this whole rejection, space, and healing “situation” is that in terms of a “good foundation” - he and I have it.

A healthy relationship (friendship or intimate) succeeds when there is a good foundation.” From this week’s post “Losing My Mind”

I see this friendship as a well poured slab of concrete. A great foundation waiting for a house to be built. That may never happen, but I have no intention of taking a sledgehammer to that foundation just because he rejected me. That is his right.

My responsibility is how I deal with the rejection. He is not a bad person, and I will not allow my love to be cheap.

Have a great week! Please join us for 31 Days of Single on Purpose, July 1st!

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Joni Woods, ACC

Relationship and Communication Coach

Journey Coaching

734-436-6200

Journeylifecoaching.life

Joniwoods.com

“Creating the future You want!”