6-25-2023 4:02pm

We Need To Talk

I go through seasons where I spend a lot of time talking to people going through the very same situations as I am. So I feel held accountable in how I am handling my own life situations and use extra care in how I help others through their own- I never want to project my frustrations on my client’s situation!

It was the red eye flight back from Las Vegas that had me sitting beside the one gentleman who had no intention of sleeping. Rather we spent the whole time talking about his relationships aka an impromptu coaching session. Fast forward 36 hours and I’m sitting across the table from a dear friend as we discuss his relationship issue.

As both would have it - we were discussing estrangement in their lives.

Not surprisingly- I am going through my own situation of estrangement- see below for my own tale!

Estrangement in relationships is tricky. The longer time goes on, the more stubborn each person gets. The more time for pride and ego to get in the way. The more opportunity for the brain to change the memory of what happened……yes the brain does that!

Each relationship had seen significant time lapse and both individuals were holding steady on their resolve to stay estranged- because like almost all of us - “why should I make the first move?”

As a coach, I know that your truth is your truth! My job is to try and help you communicate what that truth is!

Such examples are:

Feelings were hurt.

Trust was broken.

Disrespect was given.

Emotions ran high.

Double standards were set.

Apologies are needed. Etc.

So as I spoke with both individuals, they felt they had only two options - wait it out until the other person “realizes they are wrong”, or “concede” the issue at hand.

Problems with these options:

I have rarely found that any conflict/misunderstanding is entirely one sided. The goal of conversations is to talk about the frustrations from both sides!
If the other person hasn’t gotten in touch already, it is unlikely to happen without a catalyst. And with a catalyst brings so many underlying emotions!
Concessions usually bring with them bitterness, resentment and distrust. The relationship doesn’t truly heal!

So of course I push for communication.

Step one:

“We need to talk”

This isn’t, “can we?” It is, “you are so important to me that we need to talk!”

We need to reconnect. We need to rebuild what’s been broken. We need to accept each other’s faults and our own shortcomings so that we can restore the relationship. And see a more beautiful and full relationship come out of it!

People forget that beautiful, healthy, stronger, more intimate/close relationships come when you work through conflict, not when you ignore it!

Step two:

Communication does not mean you have to concede your frustrations, it means you talk about them.

Sit down with someone who can help you sort through the conflict in a non biased way- who will give you kind and honest feedback on your choices but will also support your need for restitution.

Be prepared to discuss one issue at a time and maintain healthy emotional boundaries. Create a safe space to talk openly and actively listen to what the other person is saying.

Step three:

The hardest of them all- stick to “I” statements.

I am feeling

I need

I want

I hear you saying

And Step four:

Be prepared for none of it to work.

I know that’s hard to hear but our lives are not major movie endings with moments of clarity and togetherness. Sometimes the phone calls go unanswered, the text messages are left on read. Sometimes the olive branches are rejected and walls only build higher.

The point is that you tried.

How the relationship coach does it.

I think through my closest friendships and I am blessed that we have overcome so much. That no matter what the conflict was, we came back to the table and talked through our issues and the amount of trust that was built because of those conversations has sustained us through the years and physical distance!

Which is why I am struggling with this current estrangement. I know what can come out of a resolution- the emotional maturity, relational growth and overall trust that can be built - but the cycles of dysfunction, in our friendship, have hit an all time high. (See upcoming post - Round and Round We Go!) This would be round five of conflict/estrangement with this friend and I just do not have the emotional bandwidth to chase him down anymore.

To be fair, this particular conflict hit when my life was falling apart around me. Literally a week after my home burned. Even though I was numb in every other way, when it came to our particular conflict - he bore the brunt of all of my grief, pain and anger.

Through many, many texts and emails (I can react with the best of them) I more than communicated my hurts and frustrations at our situation; to be fair, I probably beat a dead horse………..This is where grace for myself steps in. My life was literally going up in flames, I needed to lean on my friends, I needed their support, I needed their strength, I needed him to step up and this was the time that he chose to step out with nothing more than “I wish you well”.

It was an added insult to injury.

It was heartbreakingly painful.

Yes it makes him a terrible friend, if you could even call him that.

It made me question his character- and that’s where I paused.

I do not want conflict in my life to change how I see people in it. I don’t understand why he would choose to kick me when I was already so far down and his character up until that point would have suggested that he would have helped pull me up. It doesn’t add up.

Just as I need grace and understanding in this season of my life, I know others need it as well. For the life of me, I cannot understand why he would treat me and our friendship so carelessly.

So in the end I said “we need to talk”.

I haven’t heard from him.

No phone calls to talk. No meeting for coffee. No resolution, no reconnection, no growth, understanding or trust.

Just silence.

The point is I tried. Even a relationship coach can only do so much. The point is that we try! Just try!

I love to see relationships tried, let me help you try!

Have a great week! Please join us for 31 Days of Single on Purpose, July 1st!

And follow my social media!

Instagram - joniwoods

Facebook - joniwoods

TikTok - joniwoods730

Joni Woods, ACC