March 19, 2025

Your Suffering Isn’t Their Fault

By Steve Gwisdalla

Originally Published March 6, 2025

Do you know anyone hurting right now? Someone who the world takes pleasure in constantly placing difficulty at their feet. Someone who feels the world is out to get them. Someone who can easily name the people who have wronged them over the years. If you took an honest minute, closed your eyes and pictured their faces, could you? Last question. Are you that person?

For a long time and for too many years, I was one of those people who kept a list of all those who had mistreated, disrespected, stomped on my dreams, and otherwise ‘kept me down.’ I was good at it too. I could remember the time, place, and series of events that happened in very vivid detail. If that person would not have done this, said that, spread that rumor, then I would be so much further ahead in this life. Truth be told, I wasted years of my life on being the victim and the tragic figure in my own Shakesperian play. I always felt like the actor who could never win. Then one day, one terrible and wonderful day, the director of that play constantly running through my mind yelled what all directors yell when they have seen enough.

“CUT!”

That day was terrible because it was the day I realized I really was not the actor in my little tragic play of life. It was wonderful because I realized I was the director. Terrible because I no longer had the excuse of others keeping me from realizing my dreams. It was me. One word. One single word was holding me back.

Blame.

Blame is easy. Blame seems to be the mind’s way for justifying the narrative of negative outcomes. When that person never apologized for the terrible things they said to me, or when cosmic karma never righted the wrongs done to me by others, it was far too easy to blame them for my reactions. After all, it was their fault, right?

Wrong.

Blame sucks all our power and ability to control our outcomes from us. Blame is easy. I know what some of you may say. The pain ‘they’ caused is/was very real. That is true. However, suffering is optional. That is completely and utterly up to us. We need to stop being shaped by external events and begin taking control of our reactions to them. Personal responsibility is not pretending the hurt isn’t there. It is and always will be. To view those events as learning opportunities and grow from them. That is responsibility. We set ourselves free from those blames and burdens, the second we accept responsibility for our reactions to them. We cannot change people and how they view or treat us. But how we react? That is all on us. How we process those negative people, events, memories, and moments is entirely up to us. Is this easier said than done? Of course, it is, and it will not happen overnight. After my big revelation mentioned above, I still had bad days and certain people got to me more than others. But I became aware that my reactions were no longer at the mercy of their actions. I took responsibility for my reactions. I owned them. I chose them. I did not let whatever that person or outside circumstance wanted me to feel, feel. I made the decision to mentally go over it and take what I needed from it to learn how to better deal with similar people and situations in the future. In personal responsibility is power my friends. I choose to walk in strength, not be bound by blame. I will say this again. Pain is real, but suffering is a choice.

For those of you interested in the day I was speaking of above. The terrible and wonderful day? It was only terrible for about 2 minutes as I had a brief war with myself in my mind that I could not let my past dictate my future. I could not let ‘them’ win by having any more control over me. That day was November 6, 1999. In the time it took to watch my future wife walk down the aisle with her mother and father, and the second my future father-in-law shook my hand and handed me hers; the internal battle was over. She deserved my best efforts to be the best version of me I could be. The wonderful began. In front of me was someone who loved me more than I loved myself. In that little church in front of our family and friends (some of those people who did and said those terrible things were in attendance as well) and in the presence of God, I let a woman who loved me more than I loved myself lead me. A quarter century later, she still does.

Make no mistake, I still wear my armor. I wear it to keep the small stuff from getting to me. And though it is worn and dirty, it is stronger now than ever. Pain is real, but suffering is a choice. I choose happiness. I choose advocating for more joy. I choose up.

Steve is a Dexter resident and the Owner, Chief Up Officer, Master Armorer and VP of Joy Advocation at Better Place Consulting, a personal coaching organization. Reach out to him at steve@betterplacemgmt.com.