A Bus Ticket to Ireland and a Boarding Pass to Heaven

Breeda Kelly Miller shares the tender, humorous, and heartbreaking story of caring for her mother Mary through dementia, reminding us that love endures even in goodbye.

By Steven Sheldon

Note: The Sun Times News presents The Long Goodbye, a series sharing the journeys of families who cared for loved ones with Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia. Through their stories, we see the heartbreak, resilience, and transformation that come with caregiving. This is the third and final story. The first two can be found at https://thesuntimesnews.com/finding-grace-in-the-long-goodbye/ and https://thesuntimesnews.com/when-grandpa-started-fading-away/

Photo: Mary Kelly. Photo courtesy of Breeda Kelly Miller

Mary Kelly of Manchester, MI (1925 – 2011)

(As told by Breeda Kelly Miller, daughter)

This is the story of Mary Kelly as remembered by her daughter Breeda Kelly Miller.

Mary Philomena Byrne was born in 1925 in Dublin, Ireland. She married Tom Kelly and in 1956, the young couple decided to pack up and move their family to America. Ireland in the 1950s was a struggle, jobs were scarce. But their journey across the ocean first landed Tom in Toronto, while Mary and her three boys remained in Ireland.

There were so many changes for Mary. Changes she didn’t like. Changes that she didn’t choose. So, while Tom set off for Toronto, Mary’s father moved in with her and the boys. Tom had a job as a master printer for the Toronto Star newspaper. But Tom’s vision was always getting to America.

Mary Kelly packed up her boys and flew to America to join her husband Tom, who was hired as a printer for the Detroit Free Press. Quickly, Mary befriended her neighbor Virginia Wilson, and they became best friends. Mary became a US citizen in 1968. And when she received her voter registration card and it was a big source of pride for her. She carried with her from then on. Life in a new country was different but Mary assimilated though she never learned to drive a car.

Following the death of her husband, Mary sold her home and bought a condo close to her daughter, and grandchildren. In November 2006, Mary fell down the basement stairs and was taken to a hospital where she was diagnosed with a cerebral hemorrhage. This was the beginning of many medical issues.

Mom never was her old self again,” Breeda said, “she was becoming more frail, forgetful.”  And eventually Mary moved into Breeda’s home so the family could provide the care she was requiring. And with a job, three kids, a husband and now a mother who required more attention. Breeda found herself as a part of the sandwich generation.

“Caregiving was like a day at the Improv, where you never know what you will be dealing with,” Miller said. “Every day was different but mom’s decline was constant. You think everyone else has figured it out and it’s only you walking around in the dark. We can be so hard on ourselves.” 

And for Breeda, with the close relationship she had with her mom, watching her slow decline into nothingness, was heart breaking.

Miller said that as her mother got worse, it was like caring for a toddler again. “Except, with a toddler, you know they will eventually learn how to go to the bathroom by themselves and pull their pants back up. With dementia, you know that will never happen. And that is what is so crushing.”

Miller shared two stories about her mom, that she did not understand how to react or what to do. Mary could bake a terrific apple pie and she insisted on baking one. But Breeda was not a baker. Nearing a breaking point, Breeda sought the assistance of a therapist. Sharing her anguish, the therapist listened. Expecting to hear support for wanting to bake a pie, her therapist simply said “Breeda, make the damn pie.”  And together, they baked an apple pie. And that was enough.

Mary insisted that Breeda buy her a bus ticket to Ireland. She wanted to go for a visit. But Mary was too frail to go anywhere. In desperation, Breeda devised a plan.

“Mom was insistent on taking a bus to Ireland. Sometimes, she could be distracted but she kept insisting. Online, I found a template for an airline boarding pass. So, I made mom a boarding pass from Metro Airport. Her destination – heaven. On sturdy paper, I printed it and gave it to mom. She smiled and never mentioned going to Ireland again.”

Mary Kelly died in January 2011. Mary had reached her final destination. And the Miller family were just beginning the next leg of their journey.

“My mom was a great woman,” Breeda said. “She was a wonderful mother, a great wife, and a friend to all. I think about her every day. And I miss her.”

Former First Lady, the late Rosalynn Carter, said there were four types of caretakers. “There are people who have been caretakers. People who are caretakers. People who will be caretakers. And people who will need caretakers.”

And Breeda has words of advice for current and future caregivers, “Understand that no one has everything figured out. There are resources, so ask for help. Self-care is critical. You need to do things to take care of yourself. The Long Goodbye can isolate you.  Don’t let it.”