Finding Grace in the Long Goodbye

A local family’s journey through Alzheimer’s reveals the emotional weight of caregiving, love, and the long road of saying goodbye.

Photo: Melissa Anne Rogers, son Luke, Jim Rogers. Photo courtesy of Melissa Rogers.

The Sun Times News presents The Long Goodbye, a series sharing the journeys of three families who cared for loved ones with Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia. Through their stories, we see the heartbreak, resilience, and transformation that come with caregiving

Jim Rogers of Ann Arbor (1945–2022)

This is the story of Jim Rogers, as remembered by his wife, Melissa Anne Rogers, and his daughter-in-law, Julie Rogers.

“I’m a realist,” Melissa Anne Rogers said. “We knew what the end would be. We were all committed to making sure he would be loved and safe. What we didn’t know is what his disease would exact from us. Would he forget who we are? Would we have to sell our house? Would it bankrupt us?”

Melissa (Mel) Anne Rogers was married to Jim for 24 years. One of the pastors at the First Presbyterian Church of Ann Arbor, her faith was essential in helping to sustain her through Jim’s illness. The entire congregation was a support to Mel and Jim, offering prayers and tangible care during his illness. She said, “I believe, and experienced, prayer doesn’t change God but prayer changes us.”  Mel added, “I have often asked, ‘Can suffering be redemptive?’ I am still asking that question.”

Jim was an intelligent man. He graduated as a valedictorian from East Grand Rapids High School. In the Army, he studied to become a Romanian Linguist during the Vietnam conflict. Following his discharge, he began his career at UM’s Institute for Social Research and then moved onto the Southeast Michigan Council of Governments (SEMCOG), where he led a team of urban planners.

He was married to his first wife, Terry, for 27 years and had two children, Jeff and Kate. After Terry died of brain cancer, Jim married Mel. And much to the surprise of everyone, he decided at the age of 52 to have two more children with Mel, their sons, Charlie and Luke. Jim considered himself a naturalist and enjoyed spending as much time outdoors as he could. In his retirement, he was instrumental in the development of Greenview Park and the Pioneer Nature Area, serving for ten years as their first Park Steward.

The family first noticed some cognitive issues in 2014. On vacation in Oregon, Jim was unsure about driving a rental car that was the same car he had driven for years. His fear of heights was remarkably advanced while hiking. And he forgot to take his life-saving insulin with him on a hike. His memory loss became more pronounced as time passed. Jim was always a kind and loving person but soon became easily frustrated with not remembering how to do things.

As the disease progressed, those changes in Jim’s personality affected everyone around him. Both Mel and Julie shared that the more difficult it was to leave Jim alone, and the more he needed, the more everyone in the family needed outlets and respite time. Yet, in finding respite for themselves, they were forced to deal with the guilt they felt.

“I would feel guilty if I left home,” Mel said. “It was like you were being disloyal if you did anything to take care of yourself. I learned that Jim’s father died of Alzheimer’s when he was 79.”

“You always had to be patient,” Julie said. “I was careful about what I said. I wanted to embrace our time together for what it was, for the moments when Jim was his old self. It could be sitting on the porch and just having a beer.”

As time progressed, Jim couldn’t be left alone. It became exhausting for the family. “You got up each day, wondering what challenges the day would bring. I felt exhausted all the time,” Mel said. “I had to make sure there was always someone around to watch Jim. The entire family remained committed to keeping Jim safe. And when COVID hit, it became even more isolating. And it was hard for our boys to watch their father slowly disappear.”

Jim died on May 11, 2022. The Alzheimer’s journey was over. The worry about taking care of Jim was over. But for the Rogers family, their new journey was just beginning.

Former First Lady, the late Rosalynn Carter, said there were four types of caretakers. “There are people who have been caretakers. People who are caretakers. People who will be caretakers. And people who will need caretakers.”

The Rogers family is now learning to take care of themselves, without Jim.

Alzheimer’s disease currently affects more than 6 million Americans, with numbers expected to rise in the coming decades. For those seeking support, the Alzheimer’s Association offers resources, a 24/7 Helpline (1-800-272-3900), and local caregiver support groups. Help is available—for those giving “The Long Goodbye,” you are not alone.