February 10, 2025

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Toxic People Aren’t the Problem

Toxic People Aren’t the Problem

Toxic People Aren’t the Problem

By Steve Gwisdalla

Hello my friends. As we move bravely forward into this new year, I would like to take a few moments and have a chat about a question a very pleasant woman and “friend of my articles” asked me the other day. Forgive me for paraphrasing the conversation, but the gist went something like this…

“You always seem so up and positive. How do you deal with toxic people in your life. I am sure you know some. Are you really the same person around such toxic folks?”

My answer was simple.

“Yes indeed. “

A conversation ensued about how I was able to do it. You see, I know some people who could easily be placed into the ‘toxic’ category. People who are always looking for the negative or bad and then lament on and on when they find it. Critical, judgmental, and offering their opinions even when no one asked. Does that sound like anyone you may know if your lives? Not just narcissistic, but such extreme negativity that their toxicity makes the average narcissist look downright pleasant. Another great quote from my late Grandma Nina fits in perfectly here. About people like this she would say, “They pray for rain then curse when they step in a puddle.”

For all those people are, they are not to me. Huh? Let me explain. Of all the toxic people I know in my life, none of them are toxic because of me. I have done nothing to them to either create, foster, or develop the level of toxicity they exude. I am a witness to it, but not the cause of any of it. Think about the people in your life that fall under this inauspicious category. Are you really the cause of any of their negative issues? Oh, they may lump you into a group or a situation because you were present, but do you see what I mean? They were before you and they will be after you. This premise, I said to that nice lady who struck up this conversation with me several weeks ago, is how I deal with them. Beginning my interactions with them by standing on the firm foundation of knowing that it has zero to do with me. It is all about them. When the balancing scale is that lopsided, we can just step off it emotionally and have a very distant, arms-length conversation with them without getting sucked up into their world. This includes family members. It is not about you, even if they try to make it about you. When you boil it all away, it is about them. If you have ever reduced a sauce or watched a pot of water boil on your stovetop, then you can visualize my analogy here. Watching the steam leave the pot is exactly how I feel when dealing with toxic people. I just let it evaporate away.

My friends, it is when we wade into those toxic waters with them, start slinging dirt about people, lamenting your problems with them, and empowering them by egging them on that it very much becomes about us. Please do not take the bait. Toxic people become our problem when we let them in. When the proverbial steam mentioned above starts seeping into our skin. My largest piece of armor to fend off this toxic onslaught are these two phrases:

  1. Their issues aren’t my fault.
  2. I simply choose not to play.

It can be tempting to try and ‘fix’ them and try to help them. Help cannot find them until they seek it out. The only person you have one hundred percent control over in a conversation with a toxic person is you. When the conversation is over, take a deep breath and get on with your “Tribe of Up” day. My dad used to have a sign hanging in his garage. It read, “We need people like them to make people like us look better.” He thought it was funny. I look back and remember that sign and it is not particularly incorrect. I feel bad for the toxic people I know in my life. I pray for them. But then I feel grateful that I do not seek to find the bad out there like they do, I seek to find the beautiful. Toxic people will always be around and that is sad. Avoiding becoming one is the goal for me and remembering the two points listed above has always helped me and I hope they help you. Instead of playing their games, I would rather play catch with my son, play cards with my family on game nights and play with our new puppy.

Steve is a Dexter resident and the owner, Chief Toxic Cleanser, and Vice President of Sauce Thickening of Better Place Consulting. Check out past articles on his website www.betterplace-consulting.com and feel free to reach out to him at steve@betterplacemgmt.com.