When It Isn’t “Them”

By Steve Gwisdalla, Founder, Tribe of Up

There is a lot of finger pointing these days. It seems if you do not agree with the loudest person talking about anything, then you are wrong. Happy with the election results? You are wrong. Upset with the election results? You are wrong. Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays? Wrong. Aliens? Wrong. You get the idea. What about things, ‘a little closer to home?’ What about your boss? Your spouse or significant other? Your kids or their teachers? My late Grandma always used to say that it is easy to point a finger and blame others for issues going on in your life. But as she used to say, “When you point one, there are three pointing back at you.”

The holiday season is not always roses and sunshine for everyone. Those who have more month than money. Those who have difficult family situations. Those who have no family at all. Medical issues, job issues, the list could go on and on. All of us have something to point to and say, “If X was or wasn’t this way or that, my life would be better.” It is easy to play the ‘if only’ game with ourselves isn’t it? If only my boss would have given me that promotion. If only I was in better shape. If only my family didn’t act that way. If only. Those two words are truly beloved by that little voice in our heads I like to refer to as the gremlin voice. I have spoken often about a wonderful author named Rick Carson and his book, Taming Your Gremlin before. That little voice has an endless supply of excuses and fingers to point at other people, things, and circumstances to blame for anything in our life that is less than perfect. Here is a question asked of me a long time ago by my much better half, my wonderful wife. One night, a long time ago I was ranting on and on about a bad work situation. She listened intently, asking the occasional question to further understand. Then when I had worn myself out complaining, she asked me this simple question.

“What if it’s you?”

I sat there, dumbfounded. My gremlin was ready for war. The excuses, anger, and my blood pressure were all reaching a boiling point. Instead, I took a deep breath and asked her what she meant by that.
“There is only one common denominator in every example you talked about. You.”

I think back on that night often. my gremlin starts speaking a little louder and I find myself paying attention more than I should, I take a deep breath and ask myself that incredibly wise question once again. What if it is me?

As we approach the new year, resolutions abound. We all talk about things that will be different in the new year. I am going to…Lose weight, get in shape, get a better job, be a better person, and on and on. Some of those things we can control more than others but let me offer you the same lesson offered to me many years ago. Before we go and start pointing fingers if the weight does not come off, or the treadmill becomes a clothes depository yet again (speaking from personal experiences on both issues) or our job situation doesn’t change. Remember how much of the common denominator you are and ask yourself, what if it is me? Change starts from within my friends. If you find yourself face to face with that very sober reality, please do not be angry with the person in the mirror. Forgive yourself. Do not make excuses but start with a single act to improve yourself. I say it all the time, but when I need to kickstart positive change in my own life, I look for chances to be positive for someone else. I will hold open a door, I let that extra car merge in traffic. I will pay for the person’s coffee in line behind me. Little things for them. Major silencers of the gremlin for me. Feeling those deposits trickle into my emotional bank account always seems to get me back on my path towards my true north. When we do those things, it creates an entirely different paradigm to the question, “what if it’s you?” Be that you, my friends. The you you always want to be. Simple acts can create a snowball effect. Be that you. The person in the mirror will be incredibly happy. Steve is a Dexter resident and the Owner, Chief You Officer, Director of Mirror Holding, and Tribe of Up Leader at Better Place Consulting, a success and career coaching firm. Reach out to him at steve@betterplacemgmt.com.